Practice Self-Care: A Holistic, Personalized, and Restorative Necessity

Jane’s Story: What am I made of?

I feel really worn down and blue today. Caring for Mom and Dad is both a joy and a burden; deeply inspiring and repetitiously boring. It fills my heart and drains the last drop of energy I have; makes me proud of what I can do for my parents, yet guilty about how mad I get having to do it. For twenty years I have cared for different people in my family. Right now I am at a low point; caregiving is an arduous journey. My sister, Wendy, just sent me an email, one of those stories that circulate on the web, author unknown. Somehow, this anonymous little tale really speaks to me, as if Wendy wrote it just for me. The story from the web is titled Carrots, Eggs or Coffee? It goes like this:

A young woman went to talk with her mother and share how hard her life was. She did not know how she was going to make it and wanted to give up; she was tired of struggling. It seemed as if when one problem was solved, a new one arose.

The girl’s mother took her to the kitchen. She filled three pots with water, and put them on the stove to boil. In the first, she placed carrots. In the second she placed eggs, and in the last pot, she placed ground coffee beans. The mother let them sit and boil without saying a word.

After twenty minutes, Mom turned off the burners, fished out the carrots and placed them in a bowl, removed the eggs from the second pot, and poured the steaming, aromatic coffee into a large mug. Turning to her daughter, the mother asked, “What do you see?” “Carrots, eggs and coffee,” the young woman replied, wondering where this was going. The mother asked her daughter to feel the carrots, peel the hard boiled egg, and sip the cup of coffee.

Finally revealing the meaning of this odd exercise, the mother explained that each of these objects had faced the same “adversity,” boiling water, but each had reacted differently. The carrot went in strong, firm, and unrelenting. However, after being subjected to boiling water, it softened and became weak. The egg had been fragile, with a thin outer shell protecting its fluid interior. Like the carrots, the egg was changed by the boiling water. Its soft interior became hardened. The mother pointed out that the coffee was unique; it alone had changed the water in which it had been boiled and turned it into something quite wonderful. Then she asked her troubled daughter, “Which one are you? In the face of adversity will you wilt and go soft, like the carrot? Will your fluid spirit harden, or, like the coffee beans, will you release the potential within you and turn the boiling waters of your life into something you savor?”

What are you made of?

Faced with adversity, what are you like: the carrot, eggs, or coffee? Do you have the energy, judgment, and grace to persevere with caregiving? By centering yourself, you can tap into the wisdom and calm at your core and be like the coffee. Here are some ideas about how to do that.

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I am so overloaded! Why should I take the time for centering?

Would you like to handle caregiving with internal peace, balance, and focused energy? These characteristics are always present deep inside you, no matter what intense emotions or anxious worries are churning within, no matter how tumultuous external events may be. They are always available if you are willing to reach for them, and if you develop the ability to connect with them through the practice of centering.

What can I do to feel more centered in my caregiving?

Recognize the source of your energy.

As a human being, your life energy flows from living in harmony and balance, staying in tune with three factors:

• Universal principles: Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. To everything there is a season. Honor your father and your mother. As you sow, so shall you reap. No man is an island. Violating universal principles like these creates disharmony and drains you. Follow universal principles.
• Your human nature: You are physical, emotional, mental, social, and spiritual. Your personal energy flows when these five elements balance with the sixth element, the work that you do. Caring for all parts of yourself fills you with positive energy and helps you retain balance. Nurture all parts of yourself.
• Your unique identity: What distinguishes you from others? You have strengths and weaknesses; personal skills, qualities, and ways of doing things; values and principles that help you handle life challenges. Your life is richer and more satisfying when you know and respect your uniqueness. Be true to yourself.

Understand how your energy flows.

You are human, not a machine. You are alive, operating on natural, not mechanical energy. You don’t plug yourself in each morning and operate continuously like your computer or radio. You have cycles, with ups and downs. Like hours in a day or seasons in a year, your energy ebbs and flows. Your energy is affected by your environment. What goes on around you feeds or drains you, unlike machines that operate the same, whether the room is bright or dark. Accept and work with the natural flow of your energy so you can continue helping the ones you love.

Balance involvement and detachment.

Balancing is the dynamic process of adapting to changing or competing demands. It involves consciously choosing what you will and won’t do, based on what you can and can’t handle. Balancing helps you avoid both dysfunctional over-involvement and distant disengagement from your caregiving role. Neither is healthy for you, your care receiver or other caregivers working with you. Make readjustments to recover balance if you have become over-involved or disengaged from your caregiving role. Be realistic about your limits; live within them to remain in balance. Say “No” to activities that draw you beyond what is reasonable for you to manage. Find alternative ways to deal with what you’re unable to handle.

Acknowledge your pain.

Bound together by the ties of family or friendship, you are affected by your loved one’s condition. Though separate bodies, you are connected in your hearts and souls. Both of you grapple with intangible yet real heartaches that can take the form of distressing thoughts, feelings, or physical symptoms. Borne alone, heartache slowly but inevitably erodes energy, health, and peace of mind. Acknowledging your pain and sharing it with a trusted friend, counselor, member of your family or the clergy can help you. Open up and talk about your feelings.

Conserve your energy.

Your energy is finite. Conserving your energy involves wise choices that must be made daily. Not always easy to make, they involve saying “no” to habits that waste time and energy.

• Define important. Save energy for what is important, not just what seems urgent.
• Eliminate the unimportant. You can’t do everything. Trim away non-essentials.
• Sequence activities. Work on large projects step-by-step. Postpone what could be done later.
• Simplify your life. Pare down what is complex or elaborate. Say “no” to overloading your schedule.
• Avoid toxicity. Stay away from people or situations that drag you down, erode your confidence, or threaten your safety.
• Let go of what you do not control. However hard you try, well you plan, or carefully you communicate, you control very little of the total caregiving situation.

Replenish your energy.

Use these four simple, but powerful techniques to center yourself and reenergize.

• Breathe like a baby. Deep breathing lowers your heart rate, anxiety, and muscle tension. It is the easiest way to elicit the relaxation response. In moments of high stress, pay attention to your breathing; breathe slowly and deeply from your abdomen. For the on-going stress of caregiving, make it a practice to breathe slowly and deeply for at least three minutes every day.
• Clear your mind. Worry, uncertainty, and anxiety are frequent partners on the path of caregiving. They can escalate into catastrophic thinking that makes life miserable, wastes time, and interferes with effective problem-solving. Methods for clearing your mind include silence, prayer, meditation, journal writing, art, solitude, or communing with nature.
• Pursue your dreams. Caring for your loved one isn’t an either/or proposition; either your loved one’s needs are met or yours are. It is more a question of finding ways to take good care of both your loved one and yourself. Pursuing what gives you joy and satisfaction, if only on a small scale, keeps the spark in your life and supplies energy to continue caring, however long and hard the journey. Take care not to put your dreams on hold.
• Borrow from others. The surest way to protect your health and restore depleted energy is to borrow some from your network. Reach out to anyone who could help: friends, family, people in your faith community or neighborhood, volunteers from community organizations, professional contacts, and people you could hire. Ask for help with caregiving work, or managing aspects of your own affairs that are hard to get to because of caregiving responsibilities.

One last thought…

Centering yourself as a caregiver is like preparing to climb a tall mountain. You cannot reach the summit without strength and stamina. Building–up your capacity to meet the challenges of an arduous journey is hard work. It takes commitment, wisdom, practice and patience. Persevering until you reach your goal demands regular refueling and periods of rest along the way. In caregiving, your ability to meet the challenge starts with an awareness of your needs and a commitment to caring in a balanced way. Start small, take your time, pace yourself and refuel regularly. With consistent focus on centering, you will develop the physical, emotional, and spiritual capacity to care…however long or demanding your journey.

Jane’s Story: Pennies on My Path

I am drowning! My husband is in constant pain. Dad is going blind and can hardly breathe. Mother is losing her mind. My mother-in-law had a stroke and can’t care for herself anymore. I have a four-year-old son who never stops moving, and I just moved into a house that polite people would call a fixer-upper. The stress is getting to be so much that I wonder if I will lose my mind, too. My life feels like such a wreck; I’m even dreaming about debris.

Last week I dreamed I was walking on a rainy, windy night. My coat collar pulled up and my head down, I was leaning into the blustery, bitter wind. Looking down at the sodden leaves and dirt in the gutter, something caught my eye. I bent to see more clearly what it was. There in the puddle atop some muddy decaying leaves, I found a shiny penny. Into my mind popped the old saying, “Find a penny pick it up and all day long you’ll have good luck.” Then I noticed more coins among the rubbish in the gutter: nickels, dimes, and quarters! I felt ecstatic, and then abruptly woke. Lying in bed, for some reason I smiled and felt happy. Trash and cash in the gutter, what could this mean?

The following evening a remarkable thing happened. While walking after dinner to clear my mind, I was deep in thought, head down, when something caught my eye. I leaned over to see what it was. There among the leaves and dirt in the road near my house was a penny! Returning home from my walk that night I smiled and felt happy like after my dream. Amazingly, in the past five days I have found four more coins in the road, and they each filled me with some inexplicable delight.

Being happy about pennies makes no logical sense, yet every time I find one I am reassured. There are many ways of interpreting my dream, but I feel as if God is talking to me through these coins, encouraging me during these tough times. He seems to be saying, “You can see me amidst the rubble in your life; just look closely and keep walking. Your life may seem to be in the gutter, but some shining moments are mixed in. I will help in ways you might overlook, because they may seem as small and insignificant as a penny. But I will provide just what you need no matter what the circumstances of your life.”

Are you finding pennies on your path?

Are you walking through a difficult or dark part of life? Are you finding pennies or some other talisman as you journey on? When my life was turned upside down, I struggled to remain optimistic and find something positive among so many painful circumstances. The pennies on my path raised my spirits and helped me to see the mixture of good and bad in my life. How are you viewing your life right now? One powerful way to remain optimistic in the face of caregiving challenges is to think in positive ways…and look for some “pennies” of your own!

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What are optimism and pessimism?

Optimism and pessimism are the lenses through which you look at the world. They color the stories you create to explain events. Whether you realize it or not, these stories are active thought patterns that you control. They become habits that determine how you respond to life events, who you become and how others respond to you.

How do pessimists think?

Pessimists think positive events are unlikely to happen again, and that negative ones are likely to continue or be repeated in the future. They believe that good situations are isolated events or flukes that have nothing to do with other aspects of their lives. In contrast, they think negative circumstances are experienced in many aspects of their lives and expect that more of the same is inevitable. Finally, pessimists believe that good outcomes are brought about by others or other factors beyond their control, and the bad outcomes are usually their own fault. Pessimists emphasize the negative no matter what the facts of the situation.

How do optimists think?

Optimists think in the opposite way. They view positive events as likely to continue or be repeated in the future and negative ones as unlikely to happen again. They believe that good situations are experienced in many aspects of their lives; more of the same are inevitable. Negative experiences, on the other hand, are isolated events or flukes that have nothing to do with other aspects of their lives. Finally, optimists believe they bring about good outcomes and think the bad ones are caused by others, or by other factors beyond their control. Optimists emphasize the positive no matter what the facts of the situation.

What are the benefits of being an optimist?

If you adopt an optimistic outlook, you are likely to experience:

• Strength to handle adversity: to persevere and adapt in times of trouble.
• Decreased stress: a positive frame of mind, more success, and less mental strain.
• Good physical and emotional health: positive mood and morale; aging well and experiencing fewer physical ills.
• Successful relationships: others react well to a contagious, positive outlook.

How can I become more optimistic?

Choose to change:

Pessimistic patterns remain in place until you choose to replace these negative practices with positive ones.

Stop and listen to your thoughts:

Pay attention. As soon as a negative thought comes to you, replace it with a positive one. The more you challenge negative thinking and reinforce your positive thoughts, the more automatic optimism will become.

Don’t be a Pollyanna:

Unrealistic optimists, Pollyanna’s unwise plunge ahead, ignoring real needs or threats that can increase their stress and risk of health problems. Choose realistic optimism, a lens that promotes clear thinking. Realistic or cautious optimists:

• Have a positive outlook without denying reality.
• Appreciate positive elements in a situation, while also acknowledging the negative.
• Hope for positive outcomes without assuming good results will automatically occur.
• Accomplish positive outcomes with hard work, planning, and effective problem-solving

Affirm yourself:

Affirmations are words, brief phrases, or sentences that reprogram your mind to more optimistically see, explain, and respond to situations in your life. Affirming yourself is really quite simple.

• Choose an event or behavior: a positive one to encourage, or negative one to eliminate. Choose words carefully. For a positive: Describe it as caused by you, likely to continue and affecting your entire life. For a negative: Describe it as an isolated incident, not your fault, and unlikely to occur again.
• Affirm this as the reality in your life, right now. Use first-person and present tense to imagine this as a reality you are experiencing now. For example, “I am capable, confident, and compassionate. I find meaning and joy in being a caregiver.” Select words that are vivid and that stir up positive feelings within. Write affirmations and post them where you will see them throughout the day.
• Regularly repeat positive affirmations silently or aloud, until you know them by heart. Savor the positive image and feelings the affirmation creates. Frequent repetition reprograms your mind.

Visualize:

Visualization is daydreaming with the positive purpose of relieving stress, overcoming obstacles, or becoming more optimistic. Follow these three guidelines.

• Vividly picture a positive scene in your mind’s eye like vacationing on a tropical island, completing a marathon, or experiencing a joyous birthday or holiday celebration. Use all your senses: sight, hearing, taste, touch, and smell. Detail is most important. The more vivid the image, the more helpful it will be.
• Envision this as the reality in your life, right now. Create images in the first-person and present tense to picture this as a reality you are experiencing now.
• Savor that scene for several moments, several times each day. You can visualize virtually anywhere, but in bed each morning and just before sleep at night are relaxed, easy times to practice visualization. Choose a time that works best for you. Regular visualization actually creates your new reality.

Avoid pessimism in the world around you:

Emotions are contagious. Take a break from violent images, depressing stories, and people who are downbeat. Seek out people and situations that create positive energy and reinforce positive messages for you.

Contain the damages:

When negative events do occur, create an optimistic explanation in your mind. Think of all the extenuating circumstances that might have created the negative events. Name what outside circumstances contributed to this situation. Remember that problems in a given instance neither suggest nor confirm your personal weakness. Remind yourself that there will be many opportunities to do better in the future.

Jane’s Story: Think about your choices!

One day when my son Rob was a third grader, I went to his school for a visit. His classmates were returning from after-lunch recess, still exploding with wild energy and earsplitting “playground” voices. The din reverberated through the school hallway as Rob’s teacher, Mrs. Wilson, and I came around the corner. The children didn’t see either of us, but they snapped to attention when they heard Mrs. Wilson loudly clap her hands three times. Then, in a commanding, yet calm and caring tone, she called out, “Students, think about your choices and make sure they are good ones!” What a teacher!

With those few words, she transformed a pack of young ruffians into angels! The third graders quieted, formed two lines, and walked silently into their classroom. They settled into their desks and began to focus on the work at hand. If I had not seen it, I would not have believed that Mrs. Wilson’s instructions could make such a difference. It was amazing!

Now, eight years later I am thinking of Mrs. Wilson’s words: “Think about your choices and make sure they are good ones!” I wish those words could so easily transform my life, but I am not in the third grade. Instead of energetic playmates pushing me, it is an overwhelming list of parent-spouse-worker-caregiver responsibilities that feel like a stick poking me in the back, relentlessly driving me on. Worries about how to help both Mom and Dad from so many miles away scream out and wake me in the night. Imaginary scenarios of telling off people who bungle my parents’ care are proxies for my yelling at God. How could He let Mother lose her mind and Dad lose his sight? The third graders were out of hand in a sweet, youthful way; I am out of control in a tormented way.

The kids knew what to choose to get back on track; the tone of Mrs. Wilson’s voice made it completely clear. Sometimes I don’t know what to choose. Move Mom to the dementia unit or keep her at home? Confront a problem or let it go? Tough it out or take the antidepressant? So much of what is happening is beyond my control: my parents’ health and decline; my feelings of sadness and loss; how far away I live from my folks; how much I need to be home with my husband and yet long to be with Mom and Dad. I need to think about my choices and make sure they are healthy ones.

What kind of choices are you making?

As a caregiver you are confronted with many difficult and often painful choices. When making these caregiving choices, ask yourself the following questions about what you are choosing and how you are making your choice.

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Is this a healthy choice?

A wise choice is never one that undermines your health or the health of others. Health is being sound, or whole, free from disease or pain in body, mind, or soul. If your choice fosters well-being in any of these areas, it likely is a very good choice.

Healthy choices also promote balance in your life. Each of us has a limited supply of resources: energy, time, patience, knowledge, money. Like an overdrawn bank account, living beyond the limits of your resources is unhealthy. So recognize your limits and make sure your choices are made with them in mind. Wise choices simplify rather than complicate your life.

Is this a loving choice?

A wise choice is never one that undermines human dignity and worth. Loving choices are made with an attitude of appreciation. They lead to caring acts that acknowledge worth, address needs, or nurture growth in you or in others. Wise caregiving choices acknowledge and respect the needs of both the caregiver and the care receiver. By caring for yourself as you care for others, you model balance and show that helping others can be a meaningful and loving choice. Wise caregiving choices send this encouraging message to all those who work with you, who witness and learn from your caregiving efforts.

Is this a “big rock”?

A wise choice is never one that loses sight of what is most vital. In Stephen Covey’s work and many website postings, there is the story of a teacher standing before a group of students. Into a large clear jar are poured big rocks, then smaller pebbles to fill in the spaces. Asked if the jar is full, the class answers, “Yes.” The students see they are wrong when the teacher adds sand and finally water. The restricted capacity of the jar limits how much it can hold. By starting with the big rocks the teacher fits more in than anyone could have imagined. The moral of the story: “Put the big rocks in first!”

Like the jar, you have restricted capacity; there is just so much you can take. Big rocks are the most significant things in life; things that are good for the health of your body, heart, mind and soul. Pebbles are valuable but less critical. The sand and water are fun, trivial or unnecessary aspects that may be nice but are not essential. In your life, you define what are big rocks and sand. You need self-awareness to discover the limits of your capacity, and your important values and priorities. Spending time on what is unimportant is like filling the jar with sand and water first, a poor choice because it may leave no time for what is truly vital. A wise choice is one that recognizes your limits and helps you spend time on what is most important.

Would this choice pass the “death-bed” test?

Wise choices yield outcomes that stand the test of time. When trying to make difficult choices, it is tough to maintain a clear perspective and be sure of the best choice. By focusing on a long-term perspective and on your priorities, the “death-bed” question helps you sort things out. Picture yourself lying on your death-bed, preparing to breathe your last. What would you think of your choice in that situation? Rooted in the values that are truly important to you, the “death-bed” question will help you choose wisely.

Am I letting others choose for me?

Faced with a dilemma or decision, you have no choice but to choose. You may make a decision on your own or in consultation with others. You may decide now, later, or not decide at all. Even if you opt not to make a choice, the situation unfolds. Inaction allows outside forces to select for you and create outcomes that may or may not work in your favor. When you let others choose, you run the risk of their making selections that don’t fit with your values, satisfy your needs or promote your well-being. Exercising choice is a powerful way to create the life you want to live. Don’t give this power away to others. If you are fearful, do something to bolster your courage. Take as much time as you have; don’t rush. Use both the intelligence of your mind and the understanding of your heart to help you choose wisely.

Am I being honest?

About the facts: Facing the facts is a key component of choosing wisely, even if you don’t like the facts. Avoidance, distortion, denial, and entitlement are mental tricks that deflect attention from painful realities. Face the facts.

About my responsibilities: The behavior you choose and decisions you make have consequences that shape your life and create your reality. Don’t blame other people for difficulties in your life. Acknowledging your responsibilities and choosing wisely can sometimes demand great courage and personal strength. When you take responsibility for your life, your choices will serve you well. Take responsibility for yourself.

About my viewpoint: Finally, it is wise to be honest about your perspective on people and situations. Don’t mistake your views for objective truth. They are not. Your perspective is just one way of interpreting reality. Others have different perspectives and they are just as valid as yours. Always check your viewpoint against real data to find the truth in a situation. Wise choices flow from an accurate grasp of reality. Acknowledge that your point of view is subjective.

Can I let go?

All of life cycles through seasons; nothing stays the same forever. When people or practices, habits or attitudes that once were life-giving cease to serve your needs, holding on generates distress. Look closely to identify old patterns or relationships that undermine your well-being. It is wise to hold onto what gives meaning to your life and to let go of relationships or routines that no longer sustain you.

Letting go can also be a choice to forgive. Forgiveness is not condoning, absolving, forgetting or self-sacrifice. It is not a clear-cut, one-time decision. Forgiveness is a process of moving beyond feelings about people or past incidents and releasing grudges, resentment or self-pity. It involves putting the past in proper perspective, and giving up the desire to punish others or yourself for past actions. Choosing to let go allows you to reclaim energy for healing and moving on to more positive life experiences.