Practice Self-Care: Connecting with Care Partners
C7: Cultivate Community
Jane’s Story: Why won’t you walk with me?
I don’t understand why some of my closest friends and family seem to be AWOL: absent without leave during these desperate days. Maybe they don’t recognize my desperation. Dad unexpectedly died within hours of having a stroke 10 months ago, on Mother’s Day. Mom’s dementia has gotten much worse since then. A small group of steadfast souls still see Mom since Dad’s death, but most have stopped visiting. Few call to offer support, and some don’t even ask how things are going. Maybe they don’t want to know.
Why am I so angry? Everyone is busy. People may not know what to say. Some family members have been distant for years. I shouldn’t expect anything different now, but I guess I do. I want family and friends I can depend on for support. I long for relationships that feel life giving like oxygen.
I am really hurt, as well as angry. I feel let down. I would like to be able to turn to others for help to get through these horrors called dementia and death. Sometimes, when there is no specific task that can be done, I simply could use a hug from a loving person. In times of crisis isn’t it natural to turn to our family and friends for support? Don’t I have a right to be disappointed and mad?
Do you ever feel disconnected from the support of family or friends?
Although I had a right to feel disappointed and mad, it was a huge waste of time and energy. It took buckets of tears and more than a year’s time after my Mother’s death to see that I was looking for help where it could not be found. For many reasons, some of my friends and family were not there for me when I really needed them.
How about you? Are you in dire need of support? Do you have a circle of family and friends who are there for you in times of need? The caregiving experience showed me the importance of cultivating a diverse community that would sustain me when life is difficult. It taught me that clinging to my wants and expectations, and asking “Why?” causes problems. I learned another lesson the hard way. Asking for help from someone who hasn’t got it to give is as futile as trying to find milk in an egg carton.
Self-Care Recommendations
Why is connecting with others so important?
As a human being, you are a social animal, wired for relating to other people. You gain strength and energy from connecting with your spouse or other family members; with friends, neighbors, or people in your faith community. The positive benefits that come from cultivating a supportive community include:
- Improved health: reduced stress, more resilience, and a stronger immune system.
- Richer resources: access to helpful information, skills, talents assets, or energy.
- Smarter choices: consultation and reassurance when decisions are difficult.
- Better balance: energy for “juggling” or help from others who will relieve you of demands.
- Deeper appreciation: ability to face dilemmas and see both the good and the bad.
What can I do to connect with others?
Picture the community around you as a well-stocked refrigerator that is filled with food to sustain you. Healthy caregivers strike a balance between doing their work and preserving their capacity to care. Energy flows out when providing care; that energy needs to be replenished. Refuel your body and soul with help from those who surround you.
- Open the door: Like a well-stocked refrigerator in the heart of your home, the refreshment you so need to continue caring is there for you, if you just open the door. Go to your friends and family to be fed.
- Feast on healthy food, as well as on a few treats. Think about what you need, what would relieve your stress, or solve some of your caregiving problems. Also, think of your wants; what would simply be fun and pleasing to do with a friend or family member. In life as in caregiving, sometimes we need a full meal; sometimes we just want a cookie. Look to your friends and family for both.
- Feed yourself—ask for what you need. When your body needs food you don’t wait for others to guess if you are hungry. You don’t criticize yourself for being hungry. You open the refrigerator door and get some food. So as a caregiver, don’t passively wait for others to guess your needs, or apologize for having needs. Ask others to help with caregiving tasks or managing your own affairs that, because of caregiving responsibilities have become too much to handle. Be specific, direct, and respectful when you ask for help.
- Let others feed you. Don’t always try to do things yourself. Take in energy from the community of friends and family who support you. If accepting help is difficult, remember that it feels good to give. In receiving, you offer others an opportunity to affirm their generosity and express their love. Graciously accept help that is offered, in whatever form it takes.
- Choose dependable brands. Your support system is like the contents of your refrigerator; some brands and some people deliver the goods better than others. Go to reliable supporters who are concerned about you; optimistic and hopeful, yet realistic people who can listen and help you make good decisions. Avoid negative or self-centered people who make you feel guilty or uncomfortable for needing help.
- Look for milk in the milk carton, not in the egg carton. You know it is absurd to look for milk among the eggs. Don’t waste your energy seeking help from people who are unable or unwilling to provide what you need. Seek support from those who want to support you. Also, ask others to do things that they like, are good at, or feel comfortable doing. This approach increases the likelihood of actually receiving the help you need, and allows those who give to feel good about doing something for you.
- Go to the pitcher that is full, not the one that’s empty. Seeking support from folks who are tapped out or over-committed is as unsatisfying as trying to get a glass of juice from an empty pitcher. Look for help from people who have a bit more time or balance in their lives. Also, don’t be too quick to judge those who are overextended. They have a right to choose how they spend their time; you do not own their lives…they do. Accept the reality of others’ limitations. Empty pitchers are empty. Being upset won’t fill them up.
- Restock the refrigerator. Just as the refrigerator runs low on food without a replenishing trip to the market, relationships with those in your support system get depleted without your giving something back. Tending relationships and recognizing people refills the reservoir of goodwill that energizes your supporters to help during difficult times. How do you restock? Here are some ideas you might find helpful:
- Express gratitude. Say “thank you” in person, by phone, email, or writing a note of thanks.
- Demonstrate genuine interest. Ask about what is happening in the other’s life; listen to their response.
- Show kindness and respect. Speak and act in ways that show you care. Treat others as you would like to be treated.
- Keep commitments. Follow through and do what you say you will do. Be realistic about your energy and time; do not offer to do what you are unable to do.
- Sincerely apologize when you have done something to hurt or offend.
Caring for the Caregiver: C7: Cultivate Community
Caregiver Concerns: I feel so alone
Making it Personal: Activities for Caregivers